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Literature Text
Lunaista
a world built by the Gods.
The sky is decorated by moons;
a blue moon
red moon
and a silver moon.
The landscape stretched for miles
of luscious green hills.
Mountains that touched the sky
and oceans that mimicked the rainbow.
Each season has a violent weather pattern;
summer has endless droughts and fires
autumn brings the boundless rains and floods
winter bears sub below temperatures and never ending blizzards
but spring is serene.
Most of the citizens live by the seasons
they are at the mercy of the Gods.
Mages
the elemental magic users in Lunaista,
have rose up against
the Gods.
In hopes of
freeing the citizens
of Lunaista from the wrath of the Gods.
This is my twenty-sixth entry for 
the inspirations for this piece is to create my own world. Lunaista is a name I made up for a prose but I thought it would make a beautiful name for my new world. This world I created was inspired by the three moons; one blue, silver, and red. This world would be full of magic wielders fight back against the Gods who use the weather to bring chaos to the citizens of Lunaista.
the inspirations for this piece is to create my own world. Lunaista is a name I made up for a prose but I thought it would make a beautiful name for my new world. This world I created was inspired by the three moons; one blue, silver, and red. This world would be full of magic wielders fight back against the Gods who use the weather to bring chaos to the citizens of Lunaista.When reading this piece I would like you to focus on my word choice, flow, and grammar. One of the things I always try and do with my pieces is create beautiful imagery. So I want to know if the piece paints a beautiful picture in your head. Another important thing is the flow; how does my poem read? Finally I just want to know if there are any grammar errors, I am no expert and I am always looking for ways to improve my writing skills.
So really any comments, critiques, and feedback are always welcome 
© 2016 - 2024 Thelunarwriter
Comments5
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactImagery is by far the strongest point of this piece. You describe the landscape, the climate, who lives on the world, what the sky around it is like. It helps breathe life into this world, and that's a great thing to do. The conflict is kept simple, yet it still feels poignant. Even though I only really know that the Gods seem to be far from the nicest guys around, that's enough to understand why the citizens are having a rough time. After all, those jerks only give their people ONE peaceful weather season. :V
My biggest criticism narrative-wise is the final stanza. Despite the climate bit, I think there could've been more elaboration as to why the Gods are bad. Do they have oppressive laws? Do they provide the people with few resources? The conflict is interesting, but adding more reason for the conflict would really help this piece shine even more than it already does. Use the weather to transition into why the Gods are bad, and add some extra stuff from there; that will make the conflict more clear, and show exactly why the people are in trouble. Actually, even a small bit before the weather part could help out, such as:
But the beauty of this world
Is marred by the seasons
And their violent weather patterns.
That would serve as a smoother transition into the conflict.
As for mechanics, I spotted a couple of minor errors. "Sub below" should be either "sub-zero" or "below zero", and I feel like the punctuation is inconsistent. In the final stanza, "seasons" should have either a period or comma, because it's pretty vague as to weather or not the first two lines are separate sentences or the same. Also, the end feels a bit redundant. I think wording it like this:
The elemental magic users in Lunaista,
have rose up in hopes of
freezing the citizens of Lunaista
from the wrath of the Gods.
Would fix that issue, and help the lines flow a bit smoother. But please don't let my criticisms discourage you. This poem shines with its imagery; I can see the fire, the floods, the blizzards, and each colored moon around the world. I partially understand why life on this world isn't so good, and the conflict gives me an idea of what life on this world is really like. This piece is very good, but I believe it has the potential to exceed very good. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
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